The Parody of Time
by xClutteredxChaosx
Summary: Oh yes. It's The Ocarina of Time.. parody style ! : Please R
1. Some Kind of Prologue

**This is short, but I want to get reviews first, there's no point in me writing for nothing, right?**

**Link: Wrong.**

**Okayyyyyy!! Onto the story..**

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**Some Kind of Prologue**

Somewhere in the distance, a small fairy was flying frantically through a forest, and unfortunately flew into a nearby fence in it's panic.

"SHIT!" Yelled Navi, rubbing her little white furry head with her wing and sighing, carrying on with her flight. After going into the wrong house five times, she eventually appeared outside a tree house, this time checked the sign, and went inside.

A young boy was fast asleep, twitching every now and then. Navi of course, felt it was her job to awaken him from his lovely slumber.

"WAKE UP! OI!" She screeched, ramming into the boy's head, making him groan. "WAKKKKKEEEE UPPPPPP!!" She screamed, flying madly around the room and knocking a nearby pot over, causing one of the pieces to fly over to the boy and jab into his eye.

"_Ow!!" _Yelled Link, rubbing his eye and rolling out of his bed that was a grand two inches off the ground in a sleepy daze, landing on the floor with a small thud.

"_Finally!!" _Sighed Navi, flying in front of the boys face, almost disappearing into his mouth which was open in a yawn. He focused his gaze on her, obviously confused, and very tired.

"Uhh... whaa--"

"Your fairy." Replied Navi patronizingly. "The Deku tree wants to see you."

"...ohh..."

"Yeah. _Up. Now." _Before the boy could point out to the fairy that he was in fact already up, and tell her of his slightly terrifying and mentally disturbing dream involving a green man and a drawbridge, he was sent flying over his tree house balcony.

"Owww." Moaned Link, rubbing his head, gingerly standing up, and coming face to face with a wide eyed green haired girl, staring a him.

"Hehehe!" She giggled manically. "Link!! You have a fairy!!" Link glanced longingly at Saria's sweet little green fairy, which was sleeping soundly on her shoulder, and then his which was slapping a nearby bug with her stubby little wing.

"Ohh yeahh.." He said, rubbing his head again and nodding. Link really wasn't that much of a talker.

"Hehehhe." Said Saria, smiling. "So I heard the Great Deku Tree wants to see you!! That's amazing!!"

"Uhh.. who is the Great Deku Tree??" Saria giggled again, thinking he was joking and left him to place floating hearts inside her house. Of course, Link really wasn't joking. It wasn't his fault everyone around him was treating him like some sort of mastermind.

"RIGHT!' Yelled Navi, bashing into his head as she flew past. "SWORD, SHEILD! NOW!!"

And that is how young Link's journey began. A dream, a fairy, and a headache.

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	2. Journey Inside the Deku Tree

**Thank you to the reviewers so far, they help a lot. I hope you like this chapter, more insaness for you. :)**

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**Journey Inside the Deku Tree**

After getting run over by a boulder several times, Navi informing Link that he shouldn't be so easy to get run over, and spending a few useless minutes in the _'Koriki Training Grounds' _they were ready to go and see the great Deku Tree.

"Oh crap." Murmured Navi, as they approached a small, ugly Koriki child. "Mido.."

"What do _you _want?" Asked Mido angrily, bracing himself against the Deku Tree entrance.

"Uhh.. I've got a sword and shield.. you have to let me through." Link said bluntly, showing Mido the pathetic wooden shield and small knife he had almost died for. Mido narrowed his eyes at the weapons, saying nothing.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...-"

"FUCKING HELL LET US PAST!!" Screeched Navi, almost deafening the two boys. Mido quickly stepped away, probably from Navi. He obviously wasn't looking where he was going, and slipped and fell into the lake near him. Link shrugged.

"Uhh...come on.. lets go." He said, ignoring the yelped splashing coming from behind him. Navi agreed, speeding off ahead of Link, narrowly avoiding the mouth of a disgusting snapping plant head.

"AAAH! MY BOY! YOU HAVE COME!!" Boomed the Deku Tree. Link suddenly had a strange Deja vu, although it wasn't really a Deja Vu, it just reminded him of Harry Potter. Link just nodded.

"Hehe. Yes Deku Tree, I got him for you." Smiled Navi. Link scowled at the floor. Navi seemed to have gotten very sweet and polite all of a sudden. "Come on then, Link." Navi said, prodding him in the back with her surprisingly sharp wing. The Deku tree opened his mouth, with a noise which sounded oddly like a fart, and Link and Navi ventured inside.

"FUCKING HELL!! IT STINKS!!" Shouted Navi, somehow out of earshot of the Deku Treem even though she was inside of him. "URGH!" Link ignored the complaining from Navi and decided to slice a plant head with his sword, it falling through a hole in the large cobweb besides them. Link looked around.

"Uhh..."

"THERE!" Yelled Navi, flying up a nearby step. Link followed, coming to a small chest, which he kicked and it miraculously opened. Link waited for something to happen, Navi tapping her wing impatiently. Suddenly, a small slingshot erupted from the chest, floating over to Link's outstretched hands.

"The _Fairy Slingshot!!" _Navi said in awe, not really knowing what it was, it just had a label on it. "….." Link stayed in the same position with the slingshot floating above him. "...COME ON! LET'S GO!" Navi said suddenly. Link followed, grabbing the slingshot and stuffing it somewhere, probably the same place where the bullets had gone, and the sticks, and the deku nuts.

The two suddenly arrived at a door, and Link was suddenly ground to a holt by Navi, who flew in front of him, invisible eyes wide.

"Link! It has _bars _on you twat, we have to go through this door!" Link sighed, following Navi through the next door, which had no bars on.

After meeting three heads which happily shot deku nuts at Link through their mouths, Navi managed to fly into one, which caused the deku nut to backfire at the middle head, and then bounce right, then left, killing the other two, Link made his way through the large tree, coming to a large room, with a moldy swimming pool and a-

"OH MY GOD!!" Yelled Navi, fluttering rapidly around Link's head. "LINK! DUCK!!" Link did duck, just in time for a large, spinning pole with spikes to collide into him, sending Link flying into the water with an incredibly loud

"AAAAAH!" and a splash.

Link came up from the water with a loud gasp, glaring at Navi.

"...hehe. Sorry about that." She said sheepishly. "I meant to say jump.." She said, looking and the pole which was now traveling back across the room, low enough to be stepped over. "Yeah... jump...HEY LINK!! A BUTTON!!"

After standing on a button, an odd sound drifting across the room, Link managed to only get hit by the spiky pole seven more times, and got across to the other side, before having to go back again to collect his sword, getting hit three more times, having to stand on the button again, almost drowning, and getting poked in the eye by a large spike. Eventually they got to the other side. All that Navi could say, was that it was good it wasn't the same eye that the piece of pot had flown into a couple of days ago, and that Link should have maybe done some more training.

--

The two ventured further into the tree, and had done surprisingly well, until Link accidentally set a cobweb on fire and fell down the middle of the tree, breaking the thick cobweb on the ground floor, and falling again, nearly breaking a leg as he landed on the hard ledge, centimeters away from a pool of water.

"Oww.." He muttered, Navi inspecting a small block.

After more agonizing minutes of trying to figure out what the hell he was supposed to do, Link entered a large, dark room, and came face to face with more of the shooting heads. Although this time, they didn't shoot him, they asked him some idiot riddle which Link managed to get right, and himself and Navi ventured further into the tree.

Link could only heard the sound of his footsteps, and the incredibly loud rusting above him, which he ignored, but Navi screaming in his hear, and the large, one eyed spider falling down in front of him, was quite….distracting.

"AAH!! STAB IT LINK!! STAB IT!!"  
"I'm trying!" Link pathetically stabbed the air, the spider scurrying away, and a few baby spiders grabbing onto Link's head. After several more hours, Link finally realized he had to use his fairy slingshot, and the spider died after three hits, which also killed the Deku tree, but at least Link got a heart piece, and a blue light which transported him out of the diseased tree.

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**Please review :)**


	3. Across the Field and to the Princess

**Sorry I haven't updated in so long!**

**I know the events of this story may not be quiteee in order, but who cares? It's all from memory and close enough :) Here's chapter three :)**

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**Across the Field and to the Princess**

After the Deku tree died, Link felt it was a good idea to get out of the Koriki Forest as fast as he possibly could.

--

"Oh..my..god.." He wheezed, clutching his stomach and crawling across Hyrule field

"I would have thought a little thing like you was a bit fitter than this..." Navi said smugly, flying three meters ahead of him.

"...can't..go...on..."

"_Come on!" _Hissed Navi, rolling her eyes. "We haven't got that much farther to go!!" Link sighed, breathlessly breaking into a limping run again. Navi nodded happily, glancing behind them, before flying under his hat to sleep. She may have lied a _little. _The Koriki entrance was only ten feet away.

As the two somehow managed their way across Hyrule Field, Link collapsing several times, the drawbridge to Hyrule Castle was just several meters away.

"_Finally!" _Link said happily, his voice a raspy croak from the lack of water. The boy trudged a long the path towards the drawbridge, stopping before it and sighing happily, a few guards barely visible inside the market. Just as Link was about to take his first step onto the bridge, the sun traveled downwards from the sky at amazing speed, the moon shortly following and the bridge quickly gliding through the air and slamming shut.

"Uhh." Muttered Link, staring at the bridge helplessly.

"Awww." Groaned Navi. "Nice going, _Link." _Link flopped onto the ground, sighing. He flopped his head down, about to close his eyes. "SHITTTTTTT!!"

By now, Link hardly heard Navi's cursing and shouting, although the red eyed skeleton popping up from the ground was quite a shock.

"AAAH!" Screamed Link, flapping his hands through the air, his hands colliding into bone, another two skeletons popping up besides him. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!"  
"LINK!! RUN!!" Link let out a girlish shout, darted through the crowd of skeletons, and ran until they disappeared, a rooster crowing somewhere in the distance.

"Right!" Navi grinned happily, buzzing out from under Link's hat. "Lets go to the castle!" Link nodded, half dead.

After running through the market, Link came to a short vine climbing up the wall, and a much less interesting red haired girl.

"Uhh.." He said, narrowing his eyes. The girl was staring at him, holding a chicken, and had some kind of retarded dinosaur broach on her dress. "Uhh..."

"Hi!" She grinned. "I'm Malon!"

"Uhh.."

"Have you seen my father anywhere?" She said, sighing, glancing at the castle.

"Uhhh..no.."

"Link!" Whispered Navi. "Hurry up!!"

"AWWW!" Screeched Malon. "A FAIRY!!" Navi winced, angrily tugging at Link's hat.

"Let's _go!" _Link nodded, it wasn't like he wasn't trying to get away, he really was. It was just that...

"YOU THINK YOU CAN FIND MY DAD AND WAKE HIM UP!?" Yelled Malon, shoving a half opened egg into his face.

"Uhh..."

"_Yes! Yes we will!" _Screamed Navi. "Can we GO now?!" Malon smiled sweetly.

"Of course."

"THANK YOU!"

--

"So...I have to..."

"_Sneak past the guards." _Snapped Navi impatiently. Link had somehow managed to fall down a very long ladder, but at least it was at the other side of the gate.

"Okay.." Link said slowly, opening the door and stepping outside. "Hah!" Smiled Link, looking around. "Idiots! I'm standing right next to him and-"

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (whistle)

"HEY!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" Navi mumbled something about being paired with a complete idiot, and Link was thrown through a very small gap in the castle gates, colliding onto the hard ground below him.

"Oww.." He whined, rubbing his head.

After that happening four more times, the guards still didn't actually change their places, and Link eventually worked out a route that didn't get him caught.

"That was easy." Smiled Link, jumping into a moat, and getting poked in the eye by a large green rupee.

"HURRRRRRRY UPPPPP!" Screamed Navi, who by now, had truly lost all patience.

"I _am!" _Said Link, swimming past the guards and avoiding another swimming rupee. He pulled himself up onto a ledge, a large, fat sleeping man rolling over at that exact same time and almost swishing him.

"Uhh..." Link shrugged, holding up the chicken egg, which miraculously hatched at that moment and bit the man's ear.

"WHAT THE-" He shouted, jumping to his feet. "WHO ARE YOU?!"

"Uhh... I came to wake you up….your daughter.."

"MALON! OH MY GOD!! SEE YOU LATER!" He shouted, running away with some startled expression on his face.

"Well that worked." Navi said bluntly, ramming into a luckily placed 'Lon Lon Milk' crate, sending in flying over the ledge. "OKAY!" She shouted. "CLIMB ON THAT! AND CLIMB THROUGH THERE!" Link sighed, watching Navi's wing gestures and doing as she said. He really didn't want to disagree with her, he might end up dead.

--

Link amazingly managed to sneak past many more guards.. his first time! He thought the catchy little tune playing in the background hand something to do with it.

He stepped into a pretty flower garden, a young girl looking through a window.

"Uhhh.."

"_Go up to her!"_

"Okay..." Link quietly walked up behind the girl, tapping her on the shoulder. She screamed, spinning around and slapping Link in the face with her hand.

"Oh my god!" She said, pulling Link up. "I'm so sorry!" Link mumbled something, rubbing his head. "Look though there!" Zelda said suddenly, her mind switching to something else at alarming speed. Link looked through the window Zelda was pointing at, seeing an incredibly ugly green, pig like man with disgustingly badly cut orange hair and some kind of gay leather chain like sense of fashion. While Link was unable to tear his gaze away from pure disgust, the man suddenly looked at him, making Link almost sick, although the man seemed to think Link's expression was from fear.

"That's Ganon." Zelda said, pulling Link away. Link suddenly realized something.

"He was in my dream!"

"Your dream!

"Yes!"

"_Link!" _Snapped Navi. "_Why _did I not know about this dream?!"

"I was gonna tell you..."

--

After an incredibly boring story told by Zelda, Zelda's nursemaid, Impa, who looked more like a male warrior in drag, taught Link _Zelda's Lullaby, _which he played on the crappy ocarina Saria had given him. Impa looked please, and gave Link a note saying he could get past the gate to death mountain. Link reluctantly accepted it, and Impa led him to Kakariko Village, her hometown, which had an erupting volcano above it.

_Link was just ecstatic._

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**_Please Review :)_**


	4. Dodongo's Cavern

**_After this I won't update in about a week and a bit as I'm... going on holiday! wooo!! Expect my others fics to be updated when I get back too :)_**

**Dodongo's Cavern**

Link stared at Kakariko village in fear.

"..._humans?"_

"DEAR GOD LINK JUST GET ON WITH IT! ARE YOU _REALLY _THAT SOCIALLY RECLUSIVE THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN _WALK _THROUGH A VILLAGE? I KNOW THE KORIKI'S ALL HATED EACH OTHER, BUT _PLEASE! JUST-"_

Navi had managed to fly straight into a windmill fan. She hadn't realized she had been flying higher and higher, like a helium balloon, and that Link couldn't hear what she was saying after the second word, until she hit the fan. Link however, was talking to some guard at a gate he had managed to find.

"..yes! It is real!"

"Hahaha!" Laughed the guard, clutching his stomach. "Hahaha!" He chuckled, wiping tears from his eyes. "You expect me to believe that _this!" _He sniggered, pointing to the letter in his hands. "Is _real?" _Link glanced at the letter, written in perfected italic black writing on expensive gold parchment paper, with The King's, The Queen's. Zelda's and Impa's signature, and the royal crest stamped along it several times.

"Uhhh...yes."

"HAHAHAHHA!" He said, letting the letter drop to the floor. "ARE YOU SERIOUS!" He said, still laughing and raising his foot above the letter. "THERE IS NO _WAY _I AM LETTING YOU GET PAST HERE- OH MY GOD!" He yelled, eyes widening as he picked up the letter which had flipped over. He stared at the sentence written on the back.

'_This Letter Is Real'_

"THIS LETTER IS REAL?" He repeated. "OF COURSE YOU CAN GO THROUGH!!" Link frowned, shrugging. The guard stood where he was, and so did Link. After several seconds of silence, Link felt it was a good idea to speak.

"Are you going to open it..?"

"Any time now." The guard said, staring at something in the distance. Link sighed, waiting several more seconds.

……………………………….

"Uhh...oh." The gate suddenly started opening, the guard just..standing there. "Uhh... thanks?" Said Link.

"LINK! YOU GOT IT OPENED!!" Link groaned, and Navi came flying down from the sky at alarming speed, making his head her landing point. "Come on Link! Princess Zelda's nursemaid said we need to find the fire stone! So lets go to the Gorons!" Link nodded, rubbing his head, and suddenly quite fearful of Navi's sudden repetitive tone. Oh well.. all he needed to do was get up the mountain.

That proved to be very hard.

Several boulders had hit Link, stopped as he was getting up, hit him again, stopped as he was getting up a second time, hit him again, stopped as he was getting up a third time, and finally just rolled over him, continuing down the mountain.

"Owww." Moaned Link, rubbing his head, slowly standing up and getting run over again. "_Owww."_

"Link." Sighed Navi. "Come on!"

"I am." Mumbled Link, angrily stomping up the mountain and slashing a few red crabs with his sword.

"Oooh! Link!! That was cool! You're finally getting some skill!!" Squealed Navi. Link smiled, not bothering to tell her of the fact that he had managed to poke himself in the eye.

'_A great fairy lives at the top of this mountain' _Navi read, hovering near a sign. "WELL THAT'S CRAP! THE LAST FAIRY WE SAW NEAR THE CASTLE, GAVE YOU THIS CRAPPY FIRE SPELL WHICH JUST BURNS YOU WHEN YOU USE IT-LINK! LINK!! WHERE ARE YOU GOING!?" Link had run away from Navi, getting flattened by falling boulders to try and reach the fairy. He had to run back, getting flattened again for nothing.

"What happened?" Asked Navi through gritted teeth. Link scowled, walking another way up the mountain to get to the Gorons.

"She said I was too much of a crappy hero and fighter that would die soon to have magic." He mumbled, tripping over a stone.

"Ooohhh..." Navi said slowly.. "What a _bitch!!"_

_--_

"WOW! Are you a _messenger!?" _Link frowned, nodding. "WOW!! Do you think you can save us?" Link shook his head, but the Gorons seemed to see it as a nodded head, and shoved him into 'Dodongo's Cavern'

An ugly rock was spinning around in front of Link, and every time it saw Link, it's eye would shoot out a laser beam.

"BOMBS LINK, BOMBS!"

"I DON'T HAVE ANY BOMBS!!"

"CRAP!"

Link had to run away, stabbing a few lizards with his sword, and running into another room, stuffing a few bomb plants into his bag.

"Uhhh.." Link said, looking at the hundreds of bombs around him.

"Blow them up Link!"

"Whaa.. are you sure-"

"BLOW THEM UP!!"

Link did blow them up, several times, and each time it was the wrong bomb, and each time he had to wait for the bombs to re-grow, and his hearing to come back. Eventually though, he blew up the right bomb, and it set of a chain reaction, and for some reason, a set of stairs suddenly rose from the ground.

"YEY!" Yelled Navi. Link groaned, sullenly stomping up the stairs and into the next room.

This room had more lizards in, and Link tried to shoot them with his slingshot, but that didn't work, so he just ended up rolling into them, which killed them.

"YEY!" Yelled Navi. Link carried on, and came to another room.

This room had more lizards in, and Link almost broke his sword when he tried to stab one, as the lizard jumped out of the way, and the sword ended up banging straight into a very hard wall. He eventually managed to kill them all, and the bars on the door opened.

"YEY!" Screeched Navi. Link rolled his eyes, opening the door.

This room had three lizards in, and a laser eye.Link stood on the lizards, and had to run at frantic speed through the next door to get away from the laser eye, the bombs in his bag had blown up quite a while ago, and he couldn't be bothered picking any more, not to mention having bombs blowing up while they were in your bag is also quite painful.

This room had five lizards in, and Link just shoved deku sticks into their mouths so they couldn't bite him, and carried on into the next room. Navi yelling: 'yey!'

This room had lizards in.

"HEY..Link.." Navi said.

"_What?" _Snapped Link, stabbing one.

"Doesn't it feel like...we've done this before...?"

"YES!" Screamed Link, a nearby bomb exploding an killing the rest of the lizards.

"Well.." Navi said, there's two doors here.. and I think one goes to the boss, and another goes to a heart piece.. or bombs." Link shrugged.

"We can take the bombs and heart piece first, right?" Navi nodded, and they went into the door which didn't have the word 'boss' written on it.

This room had more Lizards in. And no heart piece, and no bombs. Just a few bullets. Link screamed, and stormed into the boss room.

A gigantic dinosaur suddenly appeared in front of Link, and Link screamed, (he had been screaming a lot recently) stabbing it in both it's eyes. And when the dinosaur ran around it an angry, sightless rage, Link got out a deku stick, and rammed it down the dinosaurs throat, It died.

"That was a piece of cake." Smiled Link, grabbing a heart piece and ignoring the fact that the dinosaur wasn't really dead, just unable to move due to the deku stick. He also ignored the fact that the heart piece wasn't actually a heart piece, but a weirdly shaped bomb bag which the dinosaur had dropped when he had fallen over, that was quite weird, Link though it was a glitch. As the dinosaur wasn't actually dead, there was no blue light, so Link had to trek all the way back through the cavern, having to kill the lizards again, which had miraculously reappeared.

"Phew!" Link said, collapsing in front of a Goron. "Glad I don't have to do that again!" The Gorons all thanked Link, ignoring Navi and treating him like some kind of hero, Darunia even said he was going to name his kid after Link. Link just smiled and said : "It was nothing, really." and that was true, it really was nothing. But the Gorons would never know that of course, they never actually went into Dodongo's Cavern.. which was quite lucky for Link.

--

"This..._milk! _Is _heavenly!" _Navi said happily, as she swam around in the milk bottle which had been outside for two months.

"_Navi." _Sighed Link. "What do I have to do now?" Navi jumped out of the bottle, and grabbed a tiny piece of paper from her weird, fluffy fur.

"Lets see...we've got that, got that." She said, ticking of several things on the list with a _tiny _pen. "Spiritual stone of water." She said firmly, putting the letter back inside her.

"Ohhh..."

"LET'S GO!!"

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**_Please Review :)_**


	5. Jabu Jabu

**Jabu Jabu**

"BOULDERS?" Screamed Link.

The little Kokiri boy along with his little fluffy white fairy had spent half a day travelling to the entrance to Zora's domain. (the plot was so messed up that Link still had to go to the Lost Woods to see Saria, learn Epona's song and go fishing).

"PLAY ZELDA'S LULLABY!" Screeched Navi. Link angrily pulled out the lump of wood with holes in it and glared evilly at Navi.

"I've had it with you telling me what to do all the time, alright?_ I'm _the hero, who the hell-" Link froze. While he had been talking his breath had miraculously hit the right notes to Zelda's Lullaby on the ocarina and a boulder had just exploded.

He walked through the opening without another word.

--

Several minutes later and Link had swam through a lake of man eating bamboo shooting octopuses to avoid a fat man selling beans. He looked very scaring. For some insane reason there was a chicken running around in circles on a nearby ledge. Link tripped and accidentally kicked it into the water-it got swallowed by an octopus.

Navi whistled lowly.

"_Day-umm_!"

Link frowned and carried on walking. Since when had Navi become gansta?

He walked across a bridge, crossed a retarded group of coloured frogs and eventually came to a water fall. He stared gormlessly at the gushing water.

Navi took in the scene.

There Link was, standing in front of the waterfall completely clueless. He hadn't noticed that there was an incredibly obvious large stone plaque beneath him, telling him to play Zelda's Lullaby. He had already played Zelda's Lullaby to make a boulder explode, so far he had used the slingshot to kill the spider, so it would only seem logical for him to use his newly learned song to part the waterfall.

But hey, Link was stupid.

"PLAY ZELDA'S LULLABY YOU PATHETIC TWAT!"

--

Inside were lots of fish people swimming in water. Link let out a loud laugh.

"Wouldn't it be funny if some day the water froze and they all got stuck in the ice?" Navi rolled his eyes as they walked along a ledge by the water, Link snorting to himself.

They came to a shop that only annoyed Link because the cool looking blue 'water jackets' they were selling didn't fit him. (If this wasn't a spoiler to a new player that Link was eventually going to grow up, then I don't know what is.)

After a few hours of being lost, Link eventually came to an extremely ugly fat fish who's legs were so short that it couldn't move from a sitting position.

"Please, save my daughter. I can't move."

Link shrugged and walked past the Zora kick, purposely kicking and swaying his own (but not quite as short) legs as he did so. He was such a mean little boy.

When Link reached Jabu Jabu (he didn't actually know where he was going, but Navi seemed to. She was like a NAVIgator, although when he reached the fish she laughed evilly when Link realised he needed to catch a smaller fish to open it's mouth. He sighed and trudged back the way he had came. Unfortunately, he didn't noticed that there was in fact a small pool of fish _in front _of Jabu Jabu.

But. Like I said, Link was very very stupid.

So, two days later after travelling back through Zora's domain, past the RIVER filled with FISH, across Hyrule field, past Hyrule's MOAT, and into Lake Hylia Link managed to catch a small fish in a bottle that he had miraculously found under the water. Once he had caught the fish Link failed to realized that there was actually a short cut just near to where the bottle had been, that actually went back to Zora's Domain. So he once again walked OVER THE FIELD, PAST THE MOAT, AND UHH..YEAH. You get the idea.

Link didn't look at King Zora as he walked past him again. The fat fish looked extremely annoyed and muttered something about his daughter dissolving in fish stomach acid.

--

Lord Jabu Jabu (who actually kind of looked like King Sora) seemed to like fish very much, as when Link showed it to him, the fish thought it was necessary to inhale abnormal amounts of air when it was eating it, so Link and Navi got sucked into the fish.

--

It was pretty darn disgusting inside to be honest with you. Link whacked the fish's tonsils with his slingshot and laughed evilly (he WAS turning into an evil little boy). Navi avoided getting electrocuted by jellyfish that were impossible to kill, while Link got electrocuted eleven times. When Link had ventured further into the fish that was A LOT bigger on the inside that it had seemed on the outside, he came across a giant, ugly, blue jellyfish. Oh, wait. It was just Ruto.

"Hi. Uhh, you must be, uhh, Rufo."

"_Ruto _you short, sexy, poity eared ten year old!" Squealed Ruto. Link's eye twitched. Navi was just happy, that even though they had come across another Malon-type girl, that at least this time it wasn't talking to her.

"Will you marry me? Will you marry me? _Will you marry me? WILL YOU MARRY ME?"_

"Uhh--"

Link thanked the Lord (or Rauru). Ruto had suddenly disappeared.

"Phew," said Link. "Glad we got rid of her."

"Uh, Link. We're meant to be saving her."

"_No. _We're meant to be getting the Spiritual Stone of Water."

"What? You don't know about that yet," Navi paused, eyeing Link suspiciously. "HAVE YOU BEEN LOOKING AT MY SCRIPT?!"

Link twitched.

"No,"

--

So, whether they were trying to find the fish girl or the highly important spiritual stone of water Link and Navi ventured further into the fish. It was only a matter of time before Link came across a large tongue that was somehow oozing electric sparks. They had to go back because Link hadn't got the boomerang yet.

When they _did _get the boomerang Link couldn'tremember the way back, and fell down a vacuum hole thing instead.

It was now, in the room below that he found Ruto standing completely still on a ledge.

"Oh, there you are...."

"Hi!" She said, grinning and waving.

Link stared at her for a second.

"Uh, can't you jump down from that ledge? It's like,uhh...three inches high,"

"Oh, no. You have to save me,"

Link wanted to kill this fish girl.

SO.

As he was now sidetracked in his quest of finding that tongue thing, Link had to somehow get onto the same ledge that Ruto was on. He climbed up a wall of vines, growing inside a fish, and fell down another suction hole. This wasn't the right one.

He then climbed up the vines again.

And fell down another one.

This wasn't the right one either.

The up again.

Down again.

....

Link screamed and got out his slingshot. Ruto's smile suddenly vanished from her face as he slowly raised the slingshot at her, who was across the room separated by a river of fish insides.

Navi widened her eyes.

"Uh,Link," she said slowly. "What do you think you're doing?"

Link ignored her and narrowed one eye to aim with.

"Link.....she's vital for the plot!" Navi laughed nervously and began buzzing around the room erratically. This did nothing, as Link released his slignshot. The small seed flew across the room and hit Ruto in the face. The caused her to stumble over the edge of the ledge and fall into the green goo. Link chuckled and climbed back up the vines.

--

Link eventually found the boomerang and killed the tongue thing. This gave him a MAP. He screamed and shoved it inside his invisible rucksack the size of Canada.

Four and a half minutes later, Link found Ruto standing inside a fish tunnel, covered in green goo and looking very angry.

"Uh. I see you got off the ledge,"

"CARRY ME!"

Link was suddenly almost flattened as Ruto jumped onto of his head. The goo seemed to have cemented them together so Link could do nothing but travel the rest of the way, fighting monsters with Ruto balanced on his head. Navi politely asked if Ruto was heavier than she was. Ruto giggled and said

"No, of course not!"

_She was being serious._

_--_

When Link's legs felt like they were snapping into two Ruto suddenly produced a pair of scissors from thin air, cut the goo and ran onto the large circular platform holding the Spiritual Stone of Water that they had just found.

"PHEW!" Yelled Navi, flying over to it. "THAT TOOK A WHILE!"

Ruto suddenly snatched the stone, smiling insanely.

"THIS WAS MY MOTHERS! NOW IT'S MINE!"

Suddenly (before Link or Navi could say anything) the platform rose, and Ruto disappeared. Navi sighed. Link sighed.

A fat octopus suddenly appeared.

Link sighed.

The octopuse ran over Link several times.

Navi sighed.

Link sighed.

The octopus eventually got tired. The mini boss music died down and it rolled over to Link, rolling it's incredibly large eyes.

"Look, if you're not going to kill me then can I go back home? If I keep running over you it's none going to kill you because you never hit the spikes in the middle,"

Link sighed.

And then, uhh, frowned. Yeah, _frowned... _(Must use thesaurus)

Link did a complementary breathing cycles characterized by a quick, deep inspiration followed by a slower expiration; probably a compensatory mechanism to counter poor ventilation.

And took in a large intake of breath.

"I'll let you go if you give me a heart piece."

"DEAL!"

--

So, after the completely pointless mini boss room Link came to the boss room. The boss happened to be a large jellyfish surrounded by small jellyfish. Link died seven times, but luckily he saved before.

Which had somehow suddenly been made possible.

He stabbed a few of the jellyfish and then got severely electrocuted when he tried to touch the large one.

"YOU IDIOT!"""  
Screamed Navi (she had gone back to normal)

After a while, Link killed the jellyfish by spitting on it.

--

"Link, thank you for saving my daughter!"

"Uh, right. Yeah. Can we have the stone now-"

"It was truly wonderful what you did!"

"Yeah, can we-"

"I really appreciate it!"

"Right. So, can-"

"Outstanding bravery, courage!"

"Can we have the-"

"Boomerang-ship was excellent!"

"_Canwehavethestone?_"_

"Not to mention ability to survive inside a fish with a bad case of worms!!!"

"Can we-"

"As a token of my appreciation, I would like you to have this stone!"

--

"So," said Link, happily (for once!) "we've got the stone, what next?"

Navi peered at him from her bed (yes, bed. They were staying at an inn in Kakariko village and Navi kept getting swallowed by the pillow) he seemed to have been very happy ever since Ruto kissed him when they were saying goodbye. This worried Navi slightly. She sat up in her bed and clapped her wings together.

"_Well, _we need to get another bottle, and I'm sure I saw that creepy chicken lady hiding one. We need to see Saria and get her song....go to that ranch place that I have no idea who works there, so when we see that creepy red haired girl it will be a complete surprise!"

Link blinked.

"We also need to go fishing, just for the hell of it,"

"Wow." said Link. "Anything else?"

Navi settled into her bed.

"Oh, just stupid small things like opening the temple of time and pointless stuff like that, night,"

"Night,"

* * *

Review Please :)


	6. Back to the Forest

**Back to the Forest**

"No, Link. You have to hold the chicken above your head!"

Link paused.

Here he was, in a strange town that repeatedly played the same tune over and over again while he walked through it's streets. There was a white ball in front of him that called herself a _fairy_. This _fairy_ was telling him that to get a bottle, he must rely on a chicken the size of his head, to successfully carry him over an extremely high ledge so he could get behind a windmill, to grab another chicken. He ran the situation through his head over and over again, dealing with the possible outcomes.

He shrugged.

"Eh, sounds safe, where's that chicken gone?"

Somehow, Link did manage to fly over to the windmill and came across a chicken and a much more fascinating boulder. He tried to lift the boulder before Navi screamed about the fact that he was too weak to lift them. Link sighed and carefully placed the boulder back onto the ground and grabbed the chicken.

He flew over to the chicken lady.

And then realized he'd left the chicken that he used to get behind the windmill behind the windmill.

"Oh, don't worry," giggled the chicken lady. "I hated that one anyway,"

Link cleared his throat.

"Uhh, right,"

The next chicken was inconveniently placed on a ledge that he couldn't get to without going through a building first, and squeezing through a grate in the wall. Why the chicken was running around in circles and not flying off the ledge was a mystery, Navi was working up a conspiracy theory which involved the Chicken Lady secretly drugging her chickens, yet the drugs didn't work because they managed to escape.

Link didn't think the theory made sense either.

He sighed and opened the door of the building.

"How hard can this be-OH MY GOD!"

Link screamed as a large spider suddenly dropped down from the ceiling and landed on his head. It's legs poked him in the eye several times before it scuttled off him and found a place on the floor.

"Man," he said, rubbing it's skull. "That was bad timing," he looked the terrified Link up and down. "Uh, if you believe me, I'm not actually a talking spider, I'm actually a spider that used to be a human,"

Link started shaking.

Navi rolled her eyes.

"Look, I'm sorry. I didn't know this 'hero' had a fear of spiders, not to mention skeletons, open spaces, dinosaurs and red haired children, but I have to work with what I'm given. What do you want us to do?"

"Oh, just to kill any spiders you see and collect the tokens they fart out when they die,"

"Ok,"

Link screamed five steps later as four more spiders surrounded him and began staring at him. Link slowly edged across the wall.

"Why are they watching me?"

"Just get the chicken,"

"It's scary...they could turn their backs…"

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever, get the chicken,"

"I know they used to be humans but they could stop it,"

"Right. Chicken, get,"

"It's creepy and weird-"

"GET THE FUCKING CHICKEN YOU !#!#!#!!!" (CENSORED)

--

"Thank you so much. Here's the bottle that I found in a pile of cow poo!"

The chicken lady handed Link the bottle and he stuffed it wherever he puts things. He said goodbye and left Kakariko Village. Navi said it would be easier if they went to Saria first, so they did.

When Link arrived in Kokiri forest he came face to face with Mido. The ginger boy didn't look too pleased as last time he had seen Link he nearly drowned. He narrowed his eyes and placed his hands on his hips so that he thought he looked intimidating.

"Why the hell do you think you can just MARCH back into this place and-HEY, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

Mido was suddenly flattened by a large paving slab. Enough said.

Link quickly abandoned the scene and climbed the vines leading to the Lost Woods at amazing speed. He had to screech to a halt when a large owl flew down in front of him and began twisting his head around on it's neck like the girl from the exorcist.

"My, Link! There you are, I couldn't catch you in the field!"

"Uhh,"

"I'm Kaepora Gaebora!"

"Who?

"Kaepora Gaebora!"

"Who?"

"Kaepora Gaebora,"

This happened at least twelve more times.

"Who?"

"Kae. Ahem. I'm an owl, and I will happily follow you on your quest, to offer you my wisdom,"

"Right, and how old are you?"

"Two,"

"…"

"So, Link my young friend. I can sense you are searching for a friend, is that right?"

Link paused as he tried to remember why he was here. Navi shot him a menacing look.

"Oh, yeah, that's right. Saria," he said unsurely. Navi relaxed.

"That's right! Boomed the owl, twisting it's head around frantically. "Now," he said, suddenly stopping. "The Lost Woods is a very dangerous place, if you're-"

"Why is it dangerous?"

"I was just about to tell you,"

"Oh,"

"Ahem. The Lost Woods is a very dangerous place. If you get lost, you will turn into a skull kid,"

"Right…"

"But, if you get confused with where you are going you will end up back in Kokiri Forest,"

"But..isn't getting confused with where you are going just like getting lost?"

"No, there's completely different," snapped the owl.

"Right…"

The owl cleared his throat and glanced behind his back in a very paranoid fashion.

"Can you hear that?"

"What?"

"That sound?"

Link strained his ears. He could hear nothing.

"No,"

"Come on, it's right there!"

"WHAT?"

"THE MUSIC!"

Link rolled his eyes.

"RIGHT, sorry. I just got so used to music playing whenever I walk that it's become like a background noise to me,"

"I don't care. Follow the music and you will be fine," The owl bowed and then disappeared into the sky with two mighty flaps of his wings. Or her, he never actually said if he was male or female and you can't really come to any conclusions with a name like Kaepora Gaebora.

Ten minutes later and Link and Navi had come to the same room they had been in ten times before.

"IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE!" Screamed Link. "I CAN HEAR THE SPIDER BUT I CAN'T SEE IT!" He flung himself against the tree in the middle of the room. Navi shook her head pitifully, and watched him do it again, and again.

"Link, it's only a spider, come one,"

"But-I-want-to-kill-it!"

"Well, maybe you can't kill it yet," said Navi slyly. Link paused.

"What do you mean?"

Navi shuffled her script out of the way slightly.

"Haha, nothing. But maybe we should come _later,"_

"What do you mean?!"

"Oh, you will see," Link frowned in confusion, and then barged into the tree again.

"Oh..dear god,"

After several attempts at pulling Link away from the tree, Navi managed to do just that and they continued throughout Lost Woods. They came to a small maze, and as soon as Link stepped around the corner a large deku nut pelted him in the head.

"What the-AAAH!" He screamed and covered his head as five more hit him. Two red Deku Scrubs laughed evilly.

"Oh, I love this," One said.

"I know what you mean. Hardly anyone comes down here, apart from that Saria girl and she just gives us extra Deku nuts saying if we don't hit her we can have these and hit the next person who comes down twice as hard, hahhaah!"

"Hahhaaha!"

Link narrowed his eyes. During the Deku Scrub's conversation he had managed to sneak away and climb up a ladder. He was now directly above them and wanted to throw a bomb on their tiny little plant sprouting head-

"Uh, Link?"

He blinked.

"What?"

"Saria," Navi said slowly. Link had just been teetering over the edge of the ledge with an insane, murderous expression on his face. "…remember..?" He almost looked as deadly as her.

"Oh, yeah. Right," Link slowly walked away from the Deku Scrub and began leaping over the gaps, laughing evilly when the Deku Scrubs couldn't hit him…before they raised their aim slightly and gave him a small concussion.

Link entered the Scared Forest Meadow feeling slightly dizzy and with a throbbing head. He didn't even notice Saria at first and she had to yell his name five times to get him to notice.

"_Finally_," she said as Link stumbled over. "You're a bit late, Link. Where have you been?"

"Oh.." Link said offhandedly. "A few places, it was nothing much,"

"Right. Well, I have a feeling something very big is going to happen soon-" Saria stopped as she saw Navi, who was rapidly shaking her head behind Link and pointing to part of the script which said '_Link doesn't know that pulling the master sword from it's pedestal will shoot him forward seven years. If he did he would most likely back out and Hyrule would be plunged into a dark and pitiful end! He's not even a proper hero! The triforce on his hand is a tattoo! Don't tell him!'_

Saria cleared her throat.

"Yeah, I have a feeling, but I don't have any idea what the big idea could be. I just have a feeling,"

Link stared at her incredulously.

"ANYWAY! I need to teach you my song, are you ready?"

Link pulled out his ocarina. Saria frowned.

"It's a little muddy,"

"Well what do you expect?!"

"You managed to clean your sword," Saria said, pointing to the shimmering piece of metal. "And pick the pieces of mould out of the wood on your shield," she looked sad. Link sighed and tried not to roll his eyes.

"I'll clean the ocarina.." (Neither knew that Link would soon get the Ocarina of time and Saria's ocarina would just mysteriously vanish off the face of the planet)

"Chicken crap helps," Saria said helpfully. She adjusted her position on the tree stump she had been sat on for five days and smiled. "Now, I will play you my song,"

Link raised his hand to interrupt.

"What?" Asked Saria impatiently.

"Well…why do I need this song again?"

"To remember me!"

"….."

Saria sighed. "It will let you talk to me and do various other pointless and completely random things,"

"Cool,"

Saria waited for a few more seconds just to make sure Link wasn't going to interrupt again, and started playing.

"Da Da Da-"

"Uh, Saria?"

"WHAT?"

"My ocarina wholes are plugged up with mud,"

Saria swore a word which looked too vile to come out of her sweet little mouth. She snatched the ocarina away from Link and shoved Navi down the holes, who didn't look very happy when she came out covered with mud and Link's spit.

Saria shrugged. "I'm advancing the plot," She turned away from Navi and thrust the ocarina back at Link.

"DON'T interrupt me again, I will now play my song,"

"Da Da Da, Da Da Da,"

……..

Link suddenly felt his body go out of control and he began playing the tune back to Saria while a fully grown choir accompanied him in the background. He felt himself play the song perfectly when in reality he had no idea how to even hit a C note. The notes finally fluttered off into the distant and the forest was once again filled with the sound of Deku Scrubs farting.

"Perfect!" Yelled Saria, clapping her hands together. "Wonderful!"

Link smiled sheepishly and prayed to god he would be able to check the notes on the start menu of he ever needed to play the song again.

Saria bid him farewell and Link and Navi left the forest. Link said it would have been easier to warp but Navi said they couldn't do that yet. Just as they were about to leave the Lost Woods (after being hit by many more deku nuts) Link took a wrong turn and for some bizarre reason was taken to Goron City.

"Uhh," Link said gormlessly as a Goron rolled past. Navi shrugged.

"Eh, Hyrule's weird and this is a convenient short cut, lets go,"

The two carried on walking, Link kept stepping to the beat of the drum song, while singing in low grunts that he thought sounded like Gorons, it didn't. Navi had to refrain herself from slapping him.

They were nearly at the exit, when a large Goron with spiky hair and huge rock muscles suddenly blocked their path.

"I AM DARUNIA!"

Link and Navi looked at each other.

"I AM THE GORON LEADER, WHO MIGHT YOU BE?"

"Well..I'm Link, and this is Navi…"

"WHY ARE YOU TRESPASSING INTO MY CITY?"

"We're not… I'm allowed in here because I saved your people,"

"SAVED?" Boomed Darunia. "YOU MEAN YOU _STUCK_ A TWIG IN THE DINOSAURS MOUTH, WHICH HE SNAPPED AN HOUR LATER AFTER WAKING UP, AND THEN CONTINUED TO KILL SEVENTY GORONS WHILE DESTROYING HALF OF THEIR BEDS?"

Link swallowed.

"Yeah…we have to go…"

"NO!" He roared. "YOU WILL NOT!"

"Link," whispered Navi.

"I WILL KILL YOUUU!"

"Get your ocarina out,"

"JUST LET ME STAND HER AND SHOUT AT YOU FOR A WHILE LONGER!"

"And play Saria's song,"

"KILL YOUU"

"Why?" Whispered Link, although due to the volume of Darunia's shouts he really didn't have to whisper at all.

"I WANT MY STONE BACK, TOO!"

"Just do it," hissed Navi. "We're meant to do it later on…but…"

"I'M NEARLY READY TO ATTACK!!!"

"I think it would help now.."

"KILL!"

Link took out his ocarina and played Saria's song just as Darunia lunged towards him. The Goron froze as he heard the notes, and a few seconds later began dancing. Link stared in horror. It was the ugliest dance he had ever seen. He sent a disbelieving look to Navi, but quickly side stepped around the dancing Goron, avoiding his flailing arms and his bum, which kept shooting backwards every two seconds. It was a sight he never wanted to ever again.

Although he would see it again, seven years later. But sssh. Link doesn't know that.

Link and Navi breathed a sigh of relief and collapsed in Kakariko Village. They would rest, and then make their long, tiresome and physically draining journey to the most feared place in all of Hyrule. Lon Lon Ranch.

* * *

**I'm back :) I know the first chapters are quite badly written, and I'll rewrite them when I have enough time. I hope you enjoyed this one..please review or you won't get the next. MWUAHAHHA!**


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